plz forgive me..

hi dear.. u r the first person who gonna see this site.. just wanna write watever in my mind more so u can know me more in person.. anything tat I ever thot of, wonder about, things tat I want to do and watever struggles and challenges that I ever go thru in life.. u can read it all here.. first of all jus wan say sorry for all the hurts that I put u thru.. i never think carefully most of the time in watever I do and that must had caused lot of hard time for you..

I really hope I can change that and jus wan to share somethin that I discover from spenfin time wif Vincent.. after havin a talk wif Vincent on Wed, I learnt a lot more about some how to make this relationship work, I need to fix myself first and look into myself wat is the problem with me instead of seing what wrong with the relationship and saying that u r part of the problem.. one thing that realli hit me is that I got to see how many times that I make your hopes high and in the end send u crashing down again coz I never really make sure that what I said come true.. i got to understand tis even more when I read the book by J.C.Maxwell book and it was tokin about trust.. and guess wat.. I failed miserably when it comes to building trust in friendship.. I not only fail to earn any trust from u but I make it worst by doing things that make u lose trust in me..especially for all the empty promises that I make.. its no use to give reasons, no use to justify coz the trust already gone and hurts already inflicted on to u, again and again till u got start getting numb of it.. this is what I have done.. and I can see it more clearly when I think more about what I done..or what I have not done for the whole of last year.. I didn't help to build the friendship..didn't take the lead in making sure that we are spiritually growing and being stronger.. and worst is I failed to let u know who I am.. I didn't really share out what's in my heart and what's my deepest desire and thought.. u never did know who I really was, and that make u feel insecure each day goes by.. time is precious and I didn't use it wisely.. now I have to start all over again and catch back the time for all the things that I should had done to grow this friendship.. the kind of deep friendship that I alwiz say.. not just say but to really think of ways to make that happen.. words without action is nothing actually.. might as well dun say such things if I dun intend to make it happen.. i will take some time durin CNY to think of wat ways to build tis friendship, so far i will write down my tot for u to read and know me more, and another is to apply some of the things tat I learn from tis book I currently readin.. it really helpful and I see u also can learn somethin from it.. i will share more from time to time so u can learn wat I learn too..

I got to learn to see trust works like bank coz u gotta keep making deposits if u wan to grow it.. on occasion, things will go wrong and u will have to make withdrawal. meanwhile, it will sit in the bank earning interest..it starts with idea of having 'change' in ur pocket relationally. When u start a relationship, u wil start fresh with that person. If the person is trustworthy and generous u will begin with a little bit change in ur pocket. If he is suspicious or hurting u probably begin with none. Each time u do something to build trust, u put relational change in ut pocket. Each time u do somethin negative, u spend the change. Do enough negative change - due to lack of character or competence - and u're bankrupt. tis is realli true when I see my situation with u now.. in begining i have ur trust but I wasn't making effort to bild trust and the relational change didn't grow at all and to make things worst, I make promises, not understanding, saying hurtful things to u, that start to used up all the change that I had with u.. u start to lost trust in me and till now, I am almost bankrupt.. u have little or no more trust in me.. for now, most important that I have to ask myself is am I making deposits.. I have to start making deposits in order to keep tis account.. i cannot afford to make any more withdrawal, so have to start doing what things that I said.. promised.. really mean what I say.. to make sure there is integrety in every words that I say.. aplogize, ask myself why I broke trust,correct this issue in my life, recognise that it takes a lot lot longer to restore trust than to lose it..and to remember that trust is restored by deeds, not just words! from now on I have to do wat I say.. no more simply taking easy n dun care if things happen or not.. i think that is somethin that really ticks u off.. okiela i gtg liao.. b4 i go just wan say sorry for my action, the things i say to u.. the snapping and everythin... i admit its my wrong and my fault and my pride is stopin me from admitin I am wrong.. never know how u goin to ever forgive me.. i cannot do anythin to change the past, just need to work on the future if u give me the chance.. share more next time... wishin u a happy Chinese New Year and may tis year will be truly happy for u.. take care n I love u babe..